


deep despair

by calibriluu



Category: Natasha Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812 - Malloy
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2017-11-30
Packaged: 2019-02-02 20:35:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12733848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calibriluu/pseuds/calibriluu
Summary: A two-part short story of Mary, from pain to perhaps a resolution.Also, she's in love with a particular someone. Whether she likes it or not.





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to note that I believe that thinking that your soulmate didn’t love you the same way, you could still contract Hanahaki’s disease. Fun.

The entire night, she was coughing. It was an endless feeling of constricted breathing and absolute terror.

It's not like anyone else really notices her; a shy, pale girl like her wouldn't attract much attention. At least, that's what Mary hopes.

Everything moved too slowly. The guests, the talking, _time_ was moving too slowly.

 _It's okay_ , she tells herself, just another night. _You've survived worse_.

But maybe it was the worst evening. The worst evening for her father to set up a 'gathering', which resulted in many of Moscow's aristocrats and royalty alike. They were all entranced with the old, cranky fellow.

Yet, Mary is nearly grateful she won't have to peek a glance at the Rostovas tonight. Apparently, they've been stuck with greetings and invites from other folks.

She ducked away behind a porcelain pot of flowers, a gift from a visitor, and her vision swam with yellow spots as Mary choked out another bout of flowers. Petals stuck to the top of her mouth, her eyes watering with tears as pain struck once more.

Her throat was sore, and she leaned her head against a column as Mary attempted to recover from her daze. The taste of pollen felt disgusting against her tongue, and there was no use trying to get a drink since her chest would throw up more buds anyway. Mary's head spun and she nearly collapsed to the floor.

The disease was cultivating, and with no safe cure or experienced doctor near by, she could suffocate to death.

Not that Mary really minded. She could probably drop dead and her father would complain about her worthlessness and life would go on. Mary wasn't important for God's worldly scheme, whatever it may be.

Not a soul saw her as she continued to hack out the petals, and noticing with heavy eyelids that the flowers were really quite stunning. If not for the blood on it of course.

Mary's whole body was quivering. How long would she have to endure this? How long until she just, well, fall over and die? Surely death would feel better than slowly suffocating.

She swiftly scooped up the mess and disposed it in the kitchen, washing off the specs of blood staining her fingers. Her hands leapt to her throat once more; Mary was about to cough out more flowers.

Thankfully, there was no fear of anyone walking into her. What prim and proper guest would walk into the house's kitchen? Rude it would be.

Mary curled up next to the cabinets, struggling to contain her sobs. 

Nothing good came out of Mary. _I am a curse, cursed this household to fall apart, cursed to have forbidden love._

It was hardly like what the books she read, where a poor pauper would fall in love with some royal heir or vice versa. They would go on misadventures and eventually save the kingdom from evil. It was always the same, the king and queen commemorate the heroes by allowing them to marry.

There were no flaws, and the story came to definite ends. Somehow, they entranced Mary with its twisting tales and distracted her from the dull life she had.

Mary spat out another stem. She would be disgusted with herself, if she wasn't already busy with sluggishness and a pounding head.

She considered just abandoning the party all together and go cry in the confines of her own room. The sickness had completely blown up today, for not much reason.

It wasn't, wasn't as if Mary had interacted or seen Sonya. On purpose, because in one of the books from her father's nearly untouched library it stated that meeting one's soulmate after contracting Hanahaki's disease could worsen the condition of the sick.

The pamphlet was partially in Japanese, so Mary wasn't entirely sure if it was true or not. Yet she went on with it anyway, even ignoring the letters that appeared on the parlor. 

_No I am most definitely going to my room, before I make a bigger fool of myself. Mary, get up and leave. Leave leave leave leave._

Mary skittered up the back staircase and fumbled with the door, hands shaking as usual and dizziness. The blinds were shut and she scurried to open them, perhaps to seek comfort in the weak glow of the moon and stars.

She wasn’t throwing up anymore flowers, which was an improvement from earlier. There was still a thickness in her chest. Probably stuffed with blood covered lilies.

Mary had at first despised the disease, but she could hardly be bothered any longer. She was numb to it, felt nothing for it except when she had her fits.

Snatching a blanket from her bed, she rested on the floor and gazed outside, wishing more than anything that she could just _run_ to Rostovas and escape the responsibilities of her family. Hide in the living room, have a comforting conversation with Natasha and Sonya.

_Oh Sonya._

She wanted so much than to cuddle with her, more than to simply stare at her shining eyes and watching her talk for nearly hours upon end with Mary. She wanted to bury her hands into her hair, be rid of the terrible sickness that had taken her over.

Mary wanted to wake up and see Sonya glow in the morning sun, to  make her breakfast and laugh over tea and coffee and press her lips to Sonya, perhaps taste the sweet coffee grounds on her tongue.

An abrupt tightness in her throat interrupted her thoughts, convulsing at her mouth a bit.

Mary raced towards the container at her bed, blanket still partially wrapped around her legs.

Petals fluttered around, specs of red doting their normally orange edges. 

She sat, coughing for a while before leaning her head on the bumpy wall in front of Mary.

Was even thinking of Sonya making this happen to her? Of all things, she had to have Sonya as her soulmate. But even if she loved her back, which would never happen, such a relationship was looked down upon. They would never be comfortable in a society such as Moscow’s.

While she had been laying on the floor, sometimes spitting out stems, someone had suddenly come to knock on her window.

_Wait, my window?_

Mary scrambled to the glass, shock obvious on her face. A stone smacked the window again and she peered harder to see the small figure standing in the front.

Her jaw dropped, disbelief obvious in her expression.

_Was, was that **Sonya**? What is she doing here? Does she need help? Why is she here at this time? And where's Natasha?_

They had stopped throwing rocks at Mary and was patiently standing near the front garden, presumably where she got the rocks. Mary as fairly sure it was Sonya, although she couldn't quite figure out a reason why she should be here. 

Not she was completely upset, but why risk possibly breaking the window or alerting the guests inside? Natasha had told Mary that her beloved cousin sometimes acted stranger around Mary. Sonya enjoyed playing the piano and singing more often, going to the shop and buying flowers for Mary. 

And always with dreamy eyes as well. Mary just thought it was a quirk of hers, nothing special. But she could hardly ignore the sighing of her heart every time Sonya would happily greet her, even giving hugs. 

Mary coughed out more flowers, not as much this time however.

Sneaking her way downstairs, Mary attempted to avoid the noise of the gathering, the shouting of drunken men building up. A servant ducked his head as Mary raced past him as he carried out more bottles of wine.

The darkness hit her immediately, almost blinding her eyes. She gradually adjusted to the soft moonlight, carefully stalking around the corner of the manor. Her thumped with excitement, mostly from her eagerness to see Sonya again, to spot her glowing red hair.

She reached the front and, unfortunately, noticed nothing but darkness. 

Mary was definitely seeing things, because Sonya wasn't there.

 


	2. Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy sugar honey iced tea this is long. Enjoy a longer chapter for uploading late, as usual ;)

_Why would Sonya want to here, so late at night? Perhaps I'm hallucinating now, I'm a fool. There's no reason for her to be here. She doesn't love you like this, you're not going to have the romances of the books Mary._

Something, or someone was coming up behind her. A sudden pair of limbs enveloped Mary into an embrace, pressing her into the person's _very_ warm chest.

A squeak popped out her mouth, a quiet snicker coming from the other.

"Oh my! How badly did I surprise you, Mary?" Sonya cackled, her quiet demeanor slipping away, replaced with a joking tone.

"Sonya, I-I, w-where did you come from?" Mary questioned, blush blooming on her neck and cheeks.

"Marya wasn't home, I'm not quite sure she went. Natasha wouldn't stop insisting that, that I visit you..." she trailed off with a saddened expression. Mary felt guilt rise, knowing full well that she purposefully left Sonya's letters unanswered.

They were still sitting on her nightstand, unopened.

"I'm, I'm so sorry Ijustcan'tseemtowriteatallohmygoodnessI'msuchahorriblepersonI'msosorrySonyaIjustcouldn't-"

Sonya twirled her around, scanning Mary's troubled face and staring intently at her lips. She avoided her wandering gaze, afraid to see the hurt in her eyes.

"I just, I just wrote letters. All the time, so much that Marya and Natasha became worried for me. You didn't come over, you didn't open the door when we tried to come over. Mary, if I did something wrong you can just tell me." Sonya's eyebrows scrunched up as she shut her eyelids, trying to think of what to say next.

"I-I-I, I couldn't. I've just, quite busy all the time. We have guests over tonight." It was a partial lie, since she had been busy avoiding the public eye and keeping the disease to herself. The back of her throat became scratchier by the moment.

Mary was holding back every cough. She hated, absolutely _hated_ worrying others and it wasn't as if Sonya needed to know. And even if she meet death, which wouldn't be too far off at this point, life would move on. Her only friends would forget about the shy, quiet princess of the Bolkonsky household.

It was all in vain, because Sonya was fairly good at picking up other people's moods and emotions. She narrowed her eyes at her, knowing Mary was attempting to hide something.

"Mary. If I did something, just please tell me. You don't look, well, yourself. Please, Mary?" Sonya gently pulled at her hands, clasping theirs together. Mary stuttered, unable to find a response.

"I can't say Sonya, I can't say. You, you might hate me," she murmured. Sonya fervently shook her head.

"I cannot think of any possible reason to hate you, you've been living a hard life but honestly, something is going on. There has to be some sort of reason to, well..." Sonya flailed for words, not wanting to offend her. Mary felt even more shame over herself.

_Whatever you say next, don't mention that. Don't mention it, or maybe Sonya will think it's someone else. But if she thinks that, she'll just worry and try to find them and probably want to-_

"Mary? Mary?!" Sonya called, snapping her out of her thoughts. Mary didn't even notice she was wobbling, gradually putting all her weight on Sonya. She hastily righted her form, although she immediately crashed into the wall behind them. Mary's head smacked the stone, bright spots dancing in her vision.

When her sight cleared up a bit, she picked up on the concern in Sonya's eyes. The latter hurriedly helped Mary off the ground, tightly gripping onto her torso and her breath tickled Mary's ear. May felt a her breath hitch and then, then she began hacking pollen. She bit onto a petal, then a stem. She pushed away from Sonya, stumbling towards the garden where there were a few upturned stones.

Of course that's where Sonya got the rocks.

Her chest throbbed and she finally gave up, flowers flying out of her mouth and staining the grass with with scarlet.

"Oh my god, oh my god..." Sonya stared in horror as Mary kneeled over and coughed out tiger lilies. 

Those were her favorite flowers.

The Bolkonsky couldn't even reply, hugging her chest as she hoped to stop the pain. Her lungs were on fire and she felt as if her insides were continuously getting stabbed, over and over again. There was something wet staining her cheeks. Mary didn't even realize she was crying.

"Mary, Mary? Stay with me, just say something!" Sonya knew nothing of the disease, and even her fit may be over soon, this was the lowest point she had ever gotten to. It was also the most painful. 

"S-Sonya..." Mary managed to croak out, her throats gasping for air. Sonya carefully cradled her body into her lap, fearful that it might get worse if she stayed in that position.

Drops of red leaked from the corner of her mouth and stained Sonya's soft, white dress. It hardly matter to the latter since she was frantically using it wipe Mary's face, muttering words of comfort into Mary's hair. She had no idea what she was doing, only reacting with terrified instinct.

"You're going to be fine, you're going to be fine." Oddly enough, the same person who was the cause of the disease was one soothing Mary. She was hardly complaining, not that she could. Mary shut her eyes tight, feeling the pain in her body shrink and allowing Sonya's embrace to wash over her mind.

Her braid was long undone, mussed hair spilling over her shoulders. Sonya gently ran her hand in Mary's hair and was amazed at how silky it felt under her fingers.

"I-I think I'm, I'm done now," Mary awkwardly stuttered, scared that Sonya might be a bit disgusted with her.

"It's okay, it's okay. I just, I don't, I don't know! I thought, I thought you might be dying..." Sonya murmured. 

It wasn't far from the truth, and she proceeded to overlook the fact that they were basically cuddling in the dry lawn with blood everywhere, yet not a single soul had even seen them. Yet.

Mary buried her head into the crook of Sonya's neck. Mary didn't notice the heat rising in her cheeks and sighed contentedly. The tip of Sonya's ears went scarlet.

She rubbed Mary's back, perhaps to comfort both of them and to avoid talking about, well, what happened.

"I love tiger lilies," Sonya blurted out, unsure where it came from. Mary bumped into her chin in an attempt to glance up at her.

"And?" Mary whispered, her breath tickling Sonya's skin. 

"I've see them, a lot. They're just so, so beautiful and they bloom so much. The petals are all freckled-" Sonya paused, thinking she heard Mary say 'just like you' and shook it off.

"And they're never perfect, like people are. And resilient, like so many flowers have died by the end of summer that it just makes Moscow look even gloomier. But they survive, and continue to live. Like people. They're so full of, of variety and even the common orange ones are magnificent." She rambled on and on, her voice a song to Mary's ears.

Eventually, it fell into a lapsed silence once more. Chills ran through them as the cold wind slice the air. The clouds had parted, so when Sonya gazed at Mary's hair it was as if it were glowing from the moonlight.

Mary didn't feel the tightening inside her anymore. It was strangely cleared, and her breathing was natural again. There wasn't anything poking her throat anymore, and the taste of pollen was nearly gone. 

"Mary? Do you, erhm, mind if I call you Masha?" She squirmed a bit when she heard such an endearing nickname. No one had really called her that before except when Natasha had started using that recently. Still, it didn't quite have the same effect on her as it did with Sonya.

"Of, of course you can. Well, what could say to you?" Mary stuffed her face into Sonya's dress, mildly embarrassed at what she said.

"I, I really want to know how you, how you started-" She mimed throwing up the flowers currently drying up on the ground. Panic seized Mary, shaking her from her comfortable position and tumbling out of Sonya's lap. 

Sonya honestly felt as if she were encroaching on a delicate subject, so she waited for a response.

Mary's eyes darted back and forth, unsure what to do. She spat one last flower to the side, shaking her head when Sonya tried to reach towards her.

The Bolkonsky girl suddenly leaned forward, pressing a quick kiss to Sonya's lips. Her heart leapt with joy at the contact. She reeled away, stunned by what she did. It was brief, but it was the most wonderful feeling she ever had. 

Sonya's mouth hung open, her hand touching where Mary's mouth had been. They both had shocked expressions on their faces.

"I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have, Sonya please forgive me, I know-" She was cut off by a hand cupping her cheek and then Sonya was kissing her, wringing her hand into Mary's hair and pulling her closer, closer to Sonya.

She let out a quiet gasp when Sonya nibbled her lip a bit and then heaving for breath as they broke apart. They came together again, however they continued to kiss each other, hearing the steady breathing of each other. It was silent enough that they could actually hear the guests still partying inside Bald Hills.

Mary threw herself into Sonya's open arms once more, not caring about what had just occurred. It didn't matter at all, only that she could quell the flurry of emotions bombarding her mind.

"Do you, uh, still want to say anything?" Sonya asked. She was full blown blushing by now, her face redder than her hair. Both of them were, really.

Mary looked  away, still afraid to explain. _But this is Sonya_ , she reasoned. _We, we just kissed? It's now or never._

"I had, _had_ something called, Hanahaki's disease. It, it happens whenever your soulmate doesn't love you back, I think. The same way. And when it happens, then your lungs fill up with flowers and whenever some sort of strong event happens, it comes out? I-I barely know anything about it." Sonya stayed silent, her eyes glazing over with thought.

"Can you cure it? What does it do?" She was now rubbing circles into Mary's hand, the other diffusing the confusion of how she got into this situation in the first place. Sonya was acting oddly calm, despite them kissing. Two women, nonetheless.

"Unless your soulmate starts to love you back, then you would either risk dying or have it removed by a medic. And when it is removed, then, then you could lose the ability to ever love anyone ever again.."

"Does, does the flowers have anything to do with your soulmate?" Sonya questioned.

"I-I, well, I mean, not that I know of. I've heard of it, somewhere." Mary started squirming a bit under Sonya's stare, even though she would love nothing more than to gaze into her deep brown eyes. 

She stopped rubbing Mary's hand and the latter nearly started whining before Sonya cupped her cheeks, her expression hardly disguising revelation and surprise. 

"Mary, am I your soulmate?" She broke off, cackling with laughter and fervently shaking her head. Mary felt even more puzzled than ever.

"I'm stupid, that was so obvious, oh my god you must have figured that out ages ago but still don't understand, I don't get how I've cause you so much pain. Masha, how do you even look at me like that?"

Once more, she answered Sonya's question with another kiss, inwardly facepalming at how foolish she was being. 

A hand held Mary's head steady, gradually sliding into a more comfortable position. She heard a sigh come from the back of her throat, where stems and petals would once be poking.

Sonya moved further down, lighting a fire in Mary's chest. She nipped on the skin of her neck, then burying her nose Mary's shoulder. She let out a few muffled groans, disappointed when Sonya stopped. She was unable to go any further because of the plain dress. Perhaps it was too early to go further.

"Mary, I don't know what I'm doing, so you're always welcome to just, tell me to leave."

"I don't either Sonya, and I, I don't want you to leave. I was stupid enough to think, think you didn't love me even though you're one of the only people who really cared for me."

They were startled when they heard a door slam open, the shouting calming down and they observed as a few drunk guests wobbled to a particular troika. It was quite astonishing the amount of time they had spent outside in the cool weather.

All the tiger lilies were gone by now. Sonya looked alarmed, bundling up her dress and lifting Mary up with her despite being shorter.

"I-I have to leave now, Marya would surely be back by now and she might be furious if I'm not there, and I must be worrying Natasha as well!" Sonya bear-hugged Mary, resting their foreheads together for a peaceful moment. 

"I'll see y-you tomorrow?" Sonya stammered a little, fiddling with her fingers when they broke apart.

"I would love to see you and Natasha again." Sonya darted her eyes back an forth, then swiped all the leaves and grass off her dress.

She pecked Mary's cheek, then sprinted towards Balaga's troika, covering her face with a heavy blush. Mary thought she heard her utter 'I love you too Masha'.

Mary stood in the moonlight, thinking nothing other of Sonya's beauty and kindness. How she could be so forgiving and understanding, well, Mary wouldn't exactly understand. 

_Oh! She loves me! She really loves me!_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After all, Mary really does deserve all the kindness in this world. Thanks for reading and tolerating my poor uploading schedule! Now go be social instead of reading fanfic.

**Author's Note:**

> The second part will be up in a few days, worry not! In the meantime, leave a kudo and if you're so, so kind, a comment. They seriously give me motivation to write.
> 
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> 
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> 
> I'm really sorry for not writing much, I've been working on our production and opening night is this Friday. Tech week is great. Shoutout to backstage crew, theatre nerds.


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